Holy Prostitutes

hilarious

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES....

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES....

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT....

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS....

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.."

"Very well my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.

This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER....

Trump Explains Dumbo Care...

I can't verify that Donald Trump actually said this, but I love  it:

Let me get this straight…

We’re going to be “gifted” with a health care plan we are forced to purchase and fined if we don’t, which purportedly covers at least 30 million more people, without adding a single new doctor, but provides for 16,000 new IRS agents, written by a committee whose chairman says he doesn’t understand it, passed by a Congrass that didn’t read it but exempted themselves from it, and signed by a Dumbo President with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn’t pay his taxes, for which we’ll be we’ll be taxed four years before any benefits take effect, by a government which has already bankrupted Social Security and Medicare, all to be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese, and financed by a country that’s broke!  What could possibly go wrong?

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whatshouldwecallme

Discovered this little gem of a website...  http://whatshouldwecallme.tumblr.com/

this one made me smile:  http://whatshouldwecallme.tumblr.com/post/22812493547/when-my-mom-tried-to-hang-out-with-my-friends-i




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Things I Owe My Parents

This is cute...


Things I Owe My Parents........

1. My Parents taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE ...
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside... I just finished cleaning."

2. My Parents taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My Parents taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My Parents taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My Parents taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My Parents taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My Parents taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My Parents taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper"

9. My Parents taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My Parents taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My Parents taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My Parents taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My Parents taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My Parents taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My Parents taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My Parents taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My Parents taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My Parents taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My Parents taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My Parents taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My Parents taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My Parents taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My Parents taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My Parents taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My Parents taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

April Fools Day

Now I understand why we have April Fools Day... this made me smile :)


A  FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY
 
In Florida, an atheist created a case against Easter & Passover Holy days.  He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians & Jews and observances of their holy days.  The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge.  After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood and objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case?  The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others.  The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur & Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays." 

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counselor, is woefully ignorant." 

The lawyer said," Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists." 

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fool’s Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.'  Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day.  Court is adjourned..."

 You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!

Barney...

Reminiscing about childhood cartoons, characters, events this morning at work... we ended up at Barney... my supervisor exclaims "Let me tell you something! If that thing was real, it woulda ate them kids!"

hilarious start to my day ;)

Men are Happier People

Had to share these... although it's titled Men are Happier People, I'd argue men are more simple people...

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate, and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate, and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba, and Wildman.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Bennett

Not appropriate in the slightest, but hilarious:

http://textsfrombennett.tumblr.com/




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Natural born citizen

During times of arguing and debate, we still need a little humor sprinkled around...
Here's some of that humor for you I received in an email:

You, who worry about democrats versus republicans -- relax, here is our real problem.

In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating ,
"What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

Yep, these are the 18-year-olds that are now voting in our elections! They walk among US. Lord -- we need more help than we thought we did!

Situational Assessment

My uncle sent this to me...

Situational assessment.............

The producers of this beer commercial borrowed a small 150 seat cinema playing a popular film, and filled 148 of its seats with rough-looking, tattooed bikers, leaving only two free seats in the middle of the theater. They then allowed theater management to sell tickets for the last pair of tickets to several young couples.

What would you do?

Watch till the end ..... http://www.theinspiration.com/2011/09/carlsberg-stunt-in-cinema/





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Tattoos

Some of these made me giggle...

Another reason I love Pinterest

you learn soooooooooo much... who knew?!








AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Too funny

New sign at Walmart in 'Bama...



Our society is doomed...............

9 Useless Body Parts

Some of these made say "yeah - why do we have that?!"

and the last one just made me giggle:)

http://www.foxnews.com/health/2011/10/14/useless-body-parts/?intcmp=obnetwork

Webcam 101

This is too cute...



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FcN08Tg3PWw




Previously, their granddaughter had tried to teach them how to use the camera on their new laptop...

Fluctuations

Received this from my uncle... it made me laugh...


Today's word is................. Fluctuations


I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

Crazy lady texts

Yes, that was the subject of an email I recently received from a BFF. and here is the body of the email (names changed)...

So you know how I've been telling you about some of the 'crazy' texts I get from Emily? Here is the latest one sent a few moments ago that I did not reply to... "I wish you were off today! I feel like I don't know you anymore!!"

This is what I WANT to reply back with but know I really won't haha... "Really!?! I saw you on Tuesday girl...On Tuesday I told you I was stressed about work and needed some time to myself so stop bugging me and saying crazy things like your message earlier in the week that you forgot what I sounded like after 2 days UGH!!"

I.Can't.Take.It!!!!

Ok that was my little venting sesh. Haha

Love it ;)

Tu Morrow

Admittedly, I am posting this a little prematurely as I'm only on slide 21 of 26... but when I read this:

"Rob Morrow's daughter's name is Tu. Tu Morrow. There oughta be a law."

I knew I had to share...

Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/slideshow/entertainment/2009/09/09/totally-insane-star-baby-names#ixzz1Qm3CUWXf

and then I thought... who is Rob Morrow anyway?

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001555/

Enjoy ;)

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Dads are the Original Hipsters

Courtesy of a good friend, I recently discovered this website... it makes me laugh... smart, witty writing and awesome old school pictures at it's best...

http://dadsaretheoriginalhipster.tumblr.com/







Pure Awesomeness.

"Did you hit an iceberg?"

This made me laugh...

http://http://www.foxnews.com/world/2011/06/08/titantic-ii-sinks-on-its-maiden-voyage/?intcmp=obnetwork