Happy Mother's Day!

Lessons Mom Taught Me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside...I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You’d better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when your father gets home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

What starts with F and ends with K?

What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms.. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal,'Let me ask him some questions..'
The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied,'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms.. Brooks:'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'

A recent conversation...

A recent email conversation among friends discussing an upcoming Cabin/Fishing trip and the subsequent fishing tournament. (Background: K and D are married. H and B are married. M is a vegetarian.)

K: Are we having a fishing tournament?

B: Dagon right we are!

D: And this year, I'm not giving them any more "bait advice" so H can turnaround and catch the biggest bass. I'll let you know what bait is the best to use when we're packing up on Sunday.

H: It has nothing to do with bait because if it did, you would have caught some big mammer jammers just like ME. It has to do with skill and "dedication"...i.e., fishing in the rain (cough::cough::K::cough::cough)!!!!;o)

K: Just because I have mini-meltdowns on the river doesn't mean my heart isn't into it ;) it is a well known fact that fish don't like me... even as a child, on the L........n river, the stinkin' flounder ran from my hook! But I continue to try!! Although I mostly support my husband who has the skill and patience of Peter!! [Luke 5] ;)

B: Even if we don’t catch any fish or the biggest, it’s the camaraderie that counts!

K: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww you're so sweet :)

B: Why thanks K :) Why do you think I hunt so much? lol

K: Um... to kill things...Is this a trick question?

M: K if I could click 'like' your last email I totally would.

I'm a Freeloader!

This is interesting... and frustrating...

http://stossel.blogs.foxbusiness.com/2011/03/26/i%e2%80%99m-a-freeloader-fox-news-special-re-airs-today-at-3pm-sunday-at-9pm-midnight-est/

The Viscosity of Wine?

We have a tradition in our home... on the evenings we open a bottle of wine, the one who opens the bottle reads about it on the label to memorize the details, and then "presents" the wine to the other... i think this was inspired by the wine festival we visited the weekend we got engaged... most presentations go something like this: "Tonight we have a 2009 Fetzer Gewurztarminer which hales from the great Columbia Valley. 2009 was a wonderful year of the grape... notice the high viscosity as you twirl it around the glass, as well as the rich aromas that permeate. [cheers] Bon Apa Tit!" and yes, "Bon Appetit" he pronounces "tit"... So tonight, I finally asked the question... "Do you know what viscosity means?" The answer I received was "yes, it determines how the wine descends down the sides of the glass." oooooook! Time for a blog entry! Merriam Webster online says: 1: the quality or state of being viscous [not helpful] 2: the property of resistance to flow in a fluid or semifluid [kind of makes sense with Husband's 'explanation'] 3: the ratio of the tangential frictional force per unit area to the velocity gradient perpendicular to the direction of flow of a liquid —called also coefficient of viscosity [reminds me of the Engineer Physics class I almost failed in college] viscious... as defined by Merriam Webster online: 1: viscid 2: having or characterized by viscosity [seriously M-W?!] viscid... as defined by Merriam Webster online: 1a : having an adhesive quality: sticky 1b : having a glutinous consistency : viscous 2: covered with a sticky layer Ok, I'm starting to get it... THEN I google "viscosity of wine" and learn this: "Viscosity" refers to a wine's liquid consistency. A wine's viscosity may make it appear thin and watery, or may make it appear thick and syrupy. Viscosity is affected by the levels of glycerols (sugars) and alcohol found in the wine. Generally speaking, the higher a wine's levels of glycerols and alcohol, the higher the wine's viscosity will be. Wines with high viscosity tend to cling to the side of a wine glass longer, and may leave "tears" or "legs" as bits of the wine begin to drip back down into the glass. Reference: http://www.oregonwines.com/wine101.php?SectionID=8&FaqID=200 And now I know... Husband didn't know what he was talking about, but he was using real lingo... How's the viscosity of your favorite wine? ;)

Is this real life?

This makes me laugh every time... my favorite part is the end starting at 1:35 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txqiwrbYGrs&feature=related